Just My "Baby Daddy"

Who That Is??? That’s Just My “Baby Daddy”! LoL…I laugh every time I hear someone refer to another as being their “baby momma” or “baby daddy”; my cousin has an even funnier pen name for her son’s father (the sperm donor).  I know from experience that breakups can be hard and often time the relationship afterwards is plagued with bitterness, resentment, and mixed emotions.  

When my daughter’s dad and I decided to go our separate ways; our road to redemption was riddled with chaotic moments.  I had my moments of being pissed and angry for the way things played out.  And there were times when I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire, and actually thought about starting the blaze myself…or even suffocating him with a pillow while he slept…I even dreamt of running him over with my car…lol… he even told me that during one of our many arguments, I said, “I wish you would die”.  I still have trouble believing I said such harsh words, but I was one angry woman. Looking back on the situation…I am able to laugh but back then it was no laughing matter.  Thank God he and I have both matured over the years; I truly understand how easy it is for a woman to end up on a segment of “Snapped”. 

Thankful that the only thing that snapped, was me snapping back to my senses. I woke up one morning and decided that I was through being angry about things that I did not have the ability to change. I felt that I had been pissed long enough, that I had despised him long enough, and that I had plotted evil things long enough. The good thing about pain is that it doesn’t have to last forever. I decided that I was going to be the bigger person and let the past be in the past; and that I was not going to let my resentment over our failed relationship impact our ability to co-parent. Our romantic relationship was no longer part of the equation; the focus was no longer on us as a couple but on us as parents.

How do you handle the “baby daddy” relationship? I believe this relationship takes just as much work as a romantic relationship if you want to be successful parents. It is possible to hit auto pilot and just do what you have to do to keep the peace or you can swallow your pride and try to have a positive relationship with the father of your child. It is already hard enough on your child to grow up in a split home; why not bring a little comfort to the situation.  After all, the child did not ask to be placed in this predicament. Think of the impact the two of you getting along will have on him/her.  I am going to give you a second to ponder that thought………………ok, hopefully those last few statements have sunk in. 

Now, I am able to be in the same room with my daughter’s dad and not think about strangling him; we actually have become very good friends.  Never thought that would happen! I am thankful that my daughter has been blessed with two parents, even though not together, have learned to get along and keep her as our primary focus.  I am not saying we see eye to eye all the time, but we have learned to disagree respectfully and to determine the best solution for our daughter.  (and he realizes that I am always right)…just kidding.

I tease him all the time and tell him that he needs to invest in the “baby daddy handbook”; this handbook is a guideline of what and what not to do as a baby daddy…lol…but I honestly feel that he is a great father and a pretty good “baby daddy”.

Below are a few pointers to help you deal with the father of your child:

1.     Lose the label “baby daddy”. I teaseling refer to him as my “baby daddy” in conversation with him and close friends, but your child needs to know that you respect his/her father. 

2.     No Fighting in front of the child.  In the beginning, we hashed out our disputes in front of our daughter. I did not realize what emotional damage we were causing her until one day she asked me if I hated her dad.  I felt so small.  So just do not do it…walk away. Discuss at another time when the child is not around.

3.     Good Communication. Do not use the child as a go between.  You must be able to have a civil conversation about the well being of your child with their father. I found that it’s good to be able to talk to someone that loves my daughter as much as I do and only wants the best for her. It is better to be on the same page and headed in the same direction. 

4.     No Bad Talking:  Allow them to form their own opinions about their dad. Do not say damaging things about their parent to them or in front of them.

5.     No Personal Business: Speak only of the child. Your personal life is your own and your ex should no longer be a part of it.  For example, cut out all extra activities with the ex (you understand what I’m talking about). Remember he is an ex for a reason!

6.     Make It Work for Both Parents: Make visitation flexible for all involved.

So, those are just a few tips. Don’t be that psycho woman and be labeled the one that brings the ‘baby mama drama’. It’s easy to cause drama and to pick fights, but decide to be the one that is actually putting forth effort to have a healthy relationship for your child. Try not to be selfish. Try to remember the top priority here…which is your child.