Side Chick/Jump Off

How many of us have dated someone knowing they had a woman on the side? How many of us have been in the number 2 position? We’ve all heard of the side chick, aka the jump off. These are just modern day terms for a mistress. Basically a side chick is a woman that is one level above a casual sex partner, but always a step below the girlfriend/main woman. I believe almost every woman has played both roles in a man’s life the side chick and the main woman. I know I have.

I was reading an article about the roles of a side chick. Gosh, years ago, being someone’s mistress what not glamorized by society, but today a lot of women wear the badge of side chick/jump off with honor. (SMH)  They are proud to be 2nd best. Listed below are the guidelines the article stated a side chick must follow:

The rules are as follows:

She must know her position/part and never get out of line.

She must be someone he can have fun with, but not expect any commitment

She must give him what he’s not getting at home with his main woman.

She can be there for emotional support, if things go wrong in his main relationship.

She must have nothing to lose.

She must be willing to be a toy. Basically he takes her out the box when he needs her.     

She must be there when he needs/wants her to be.

Keeping it 100, how does being the side chick truly make you feel? Are you truly okay with knowing that you will never be good enough to win the number one position, always playing backup, and knowing that his feelings for you will never compare to his feelings for his main gal. Honestly, how does it make you feel?? Some women do not have an issue with playing the backup gal; they know the rules and follow them to the tea. It’s nothing to them. They get pleasure out of knowing the man is leaving his girlfriend/main woman behind to kick it with them.  It is a self-esteem boaster; it makes them feel special.

I’m not knocking anyone that is okay with being the woman on the side because I have been the woman on the side before, but not for very long. I personally do not follow rules very well, I am selfish, and I demand lots of attention.  These three characteristics alone do not make me an ideal candidate for the number two position.  I can’t deal with the fact he’s going home to someone else after me, or that he only needs me in the bedroom, because I fulfill his fantasy. I  HATED the feeling of sneaking around and being kept a secret.  It’s like a smack in the face and confirms your position and importance to him.

I fell into the side chick role after a rough breakup.  I had been cheated on and felt like why let myself get emotionally involved with someone; I just wanted to have fun and get over the pain. Boy, whoever said “you can have no strings attached sex” just lied. And anyone who believes you can is pulling the wool over their own eyes. Women by nature are emotional creatures and sex is an emotional act. After awhile, my conscious kicked in and I made the decision to stop being involved with men that are involved already. There’s nothing that ever comes good out of it, and eventually, trust me eventually what is done in the dark will come out into the light and the question is can you handle the consequences?

I realized that I was not any better than my ex’s side chick. I had been in a serious relationship where he cheated on me and the pain that I felt when it came out was like being shot in the heart. I was very heartbroken over his choice to have a side chick and I realized that I was no better than she was. I possibly could have caused some innocent woman the same pain that was inflected upon me. I refuse to be responsible for someone’s break up!  I can’t control what a man may do with other women but it will not happen over here with me. I will not be his backup plan. I am a smart woman and I’ve been in the game a long time, I know the signs and the clues to look for when a man is already involved. We all no the signs…some of us just choose to ignore them.

For the record, I do not like the term “main woman” either. Just like the “side chick”, it implies that one is okay with sharing a man.  This is something that I am not willing to do anymore. I must be his one and only. Having a man love me for who I really am, and truly love only me, is the best satisfaction.

The Chick on the Side

Words by Te- Erika

Little girls play the role of chick on the side
Grown women sleep alone until their time
I need not share someone else's man
Snatching up leftovers whenever I can
What makes me so much worse than the main chick?
She's standing by your side
I'm being your bitch
Yeah I can flip it and act like I'm getting mine
But the truth I can't hide
I'm really dieing inside
Cuz what kind of woman
Separates her body from her heart
Physically it's impossible
Not just anatomical
God made it implausible

Heart, body and soul
Inseparable
They need protection so
Guard them with your life
They are your lifeline
You don't have to be #2
When God made you divine
Support your sister
Check her motives
Don't hurt each other
We're not in competition
These men are our brothers
Don't give them the opportunity
To step outside

If we say No, then they'll have to walk the straight line
We're pulling them on leashes
And then calling them dogs
We're the trainers
They're sniffing at us
But they're not a lost cause
You never know
It could be you sending your man to Wal-Mart
And he's off sipping sodas
With some chick in the park
He tells you he loves you
But he gave her his heart
He comes home
Smiling

With a faint aroma
You frown and ask
What's her name?
And he answers
Karma

Just My "Baby Daddy"

Who That Is??? That’s Just My “Baby Daddy”! LoL…I laugh every time I hear someone refer to another as being their “baby momma” or “baby daddy”; my cousin has an even funnier pen name for her son’s father (the sperm donor).  I know from experience that breakups can be hard and often time the relationship afterwards is plagued with bitterness, resentment, and mixed emotions.  

When my daughter’s dad and I decided to go our separate ways; our road to redemption was riddled with chaotic moments.  I had my moments of being pissed and angry for the way things played out.  And there were times when I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire, and actually thought about starting the blaze myself…or even suffocating him with a pillow while he slept…I even dreamt of running him over with my car…lol… he even told me that during one of our many arguments, I said, “I wish you would die”.  I still have trouble believing I said such harsh words, but I was one angry woman. Looking back on the situation…I am able to laugh but back then it was no laughing matter.  Thank God he and I have both matured over the years; I truly understand how easy it is for a woman to end up on a segment of “Snapped”. 

Thankful that the only thing that snapped, was me snapping back to my senses. I woke up one morning and decided that I was through being angry about things that I did not have the ability to change. I felt that I had been pissed long enough, that I had despised him long enough, and that I had plotted evil things long enough. The good thing about pain is that it doesn’t have to last forever. I decided that I was going to be the bigger person and let the past be in the past; and that I was not going to let my resentment over our failed relationship impact our ability to co-parent. Our romantic relationship was no longer part of the equation; the focus was no longer on us as a couple but on us as parents.

How do you handle the “baby daddy” relationship? I believe this relationship takes just as much work as a romantic relationship if you want to be successful parents. It is possible to hit auto pilot and just do what you have to do to keep the peace or you can swallow your pride and try to have a positive relationship with the father of your child. It is already hard enough on your child to grow up in a split home; why not bring a little comfort to the situation.  After all, the child did not ask to be placed in this predicament. Think of the impact the two of you getting along will have on him/her.  I am going to give you a second to ponder that thought………………ok, hopefully those last few statements have sunk in. 

Now, I am able to be in the same room with my daughter’s dad and not think about strangling him; we actually have become very good friends.  Never thought that would happen! I am thankful that my daughter has been blessed with two parents, even though not together, have learned to get along and keep her as our primary focus.  I am not saying we see eye to eye all the time, but we have learned to disagree respectfully and to determine the best solution for our daughter.  (and he realizes that I am always right)…just kidding.

I tease him all the time and tell him that he needs to invest in the “baby daddy handbook”; this handbook is a guideline of what and what not to do as a baby daddy…lol…but I honestly feel that he is a great father and a pretty good “baby daddy”.

Below are a few pointers to help you deal with the father of your child:

1.     Lose the label “baby daddy”. I teaseling refer to him as my “baby daddy” in conversation with him and close friends, but your child needs to know that you respect his/her father. 

2.     No Fighting in front of the child.  In the beginning, we hashed out our disputes in front of our daughter. I did not realize what emotional damage we were causing her until one day she asked me if I hated her dad.  I felt so small.  So just do not do it…walk away. Discuss at another time when the child is not around.

3.     Good Communication. Do not use the child as a go between.  You must be able to have a civil conversation about the well being of your child with their father. I found that it’s good to be able to talk to someone that loves my daughter as much as I do and only wants the best for her. It is better to be on the same page and headed in the same direction. 

4.     No Bad Talking:  Allow them to form their own opinions about their dad. Do not say damaging things about their parent to them or in front of them.

5.     No Personal Business: Speak only of the child. Your personal life is your own and your ex should no longer be a part of it.  For example, cut out all extra activities with the ex (you understand what I’m talking about). Remember he is an ex for a reason!

6.     Make It Work for Both Parents: Make visitation flexible for all involved.

So, those are just a few tips. Don’t be that psycho woman and be labeled the one that brings the ‘baby mama drama’. It’s easy to cause drama and to pick fights, but decide to be the one that is actually putting forth effort to have a healthy relationship for your child. Try not to be selfish. Try to remember the top priority here…which is your child.

Losing My Mother

Recently, a very dear friend of mine loss her mother and it made me think about the day my mother passed and the years following her death.  I remember that feeling so well, but it is a feeling that cannot be explained by words. The one person who has been with you your entire life is gone. How can a person cope with that? Losing your Mother becomes a feeling of losing a part of your soul. You go through stages of sadness, angriness and then sadness again. The feeling that it will consume you at some point turns into the realization that it has.  At first, there was not a day that I did not think about my mother, and wonder if she knew how much I loved her and what an impact she had on my life. So many people kept telling me to put it into the Lord's hands but I couldn’t let go. A part of me associated the pain of losing my mother with still having something of her to hold onto. I could not fathom leaving my pain with the Lord; it felt like if I surrendered my pain to Him that I would cease to remember her. It just didn’t make any sense to me that I could have her for 21 years and then all of it is over within a minute of death having happened. Why did she have to go so soon? I kept asking myself that over and over again and there was never an answer to the question.   But the reality of the matter is no time would have been right for her to leave; I would have never been ready. I found peace in knowing that my mother lived a life that ensured her a place in heaven but the desire to keep her here with me was stronger than the thought that she had gone on to a better place to be pain free and whole for an eternity with no more suffering for her. I think that if the Lord intends for me to just have her memories and her grave to go to, than I have to take advantage of what He has given me. I have had no choice but to go on and life does go on but I often feel incomplete because my mother is gone. Some days it seems like I cannot face tomorrow without her in it. I have often thought when will the pain go away? After all it has been 14 years since she passed.  It takes time, I guess, is all I know. TIME! How much time do you give yourself to get over such a thing? With each passing year, the pain seems to be less, and I think that I have made great steps towards finding peace without my mother here. But the least little thing can bring the pain rushing back as if I am in the very moment the doctor told us she was gone.  This is a memory that will forever be etched in my emotional database, and seems to resurface without warning. In my darkest hours I cried out to the Lord for comfort, and He did not forsake me.  I know without Him; I would not have been able to endure such a great loss.  He is my comforter. Thank you Lord for giving me hope, joy and peace.  By the way, I still miss my mother very dearly, and often wonder how different my life would be if she were still here.  But then I realize this was all part of God’s divine plan for my life. He already knew that I would have to bear this cross, and He knew how it would mold my life.  So I smile because God is the King of master plans.

My Path

I sit back and reflect on my life and how it has turned out.  Hmmm who would have thought 17 years ago that this is where I would be.  I had such high aspirations and dreams, and as I ponder over the last 17 years of my life I scratch my head in frustration and in joy.  As I look at my classmates’ life and the things they have accomplished, I am often reminded of the great dreams that I once had. Some dreams have been fulfilled and others have fallen by the waste side.

What do you do when you feel like you are running in circles and never really living up to your full potential? A part of me dares to dream, and the other part of me still dreams the big dreams. What keeps me from taking the risks to follow my dreams? Are my dreams not worth it? If not, why do I sit around and sulk about my unfulfilled dreams? Don't I owe it to myself to at least give my dreams a fair shot?

I wanted to do things that excited me, to embark on things that brought passion in my life. So why is it that as I grew up and lost all the passion, the energy, the will and the strength to keep my dreams alive? Why does money dictate my passion or in most cases, kill it? Why did I let "safety of a paycheck" screw my dreams? Why did I stop thinking about what I loved and settled for what pays the bills?

Is it every too late to pursue a dream? I find all the reasons or better yet excuses as to why I cannot follow my dreams: "I don't have time, I am a single mother with one income, I'll do it when I have more money etc.” Could it be my biggest reason is fear of failure? What am I waiting on?  A perfect day when all stars will line up in just the right direction and I would be guaranteed success? It never works that way. That moment of glory never arrives. All circumstances will almost never be in my favor. There will always be something to overcome. I just have to bite the bullet and take the plunge. It’s time for me to fill my “joy bucket”. I am refusing to give up on my dreams because of my vision of reality. I will be 35 in the next couple of months and I'm at that point in my life where I can either follow my dreams and become whatever I like or I can join the rat-race and become what everyone is becoming. I am tired of just going through the motions.

Listen to this playlist: blog

Who New Parenting a Teenager Would Be So Hard?

I read somewhere that "having a teenage daughter is like living with the Taliban." I kind of chuckled when I read this statement, because some days I think living with the Taliban might be better. The surging hormones and emotional changes that are framing my daughter’s teenage years make me feel like I am on roller coaster ride. One minute she seems like the perfect angel I gave birth to and I begin to think the worst is over; then without reason or notice, her evil counterpart rears her ugly head. I shake my head because the things that use to make her happy now make her mad or she just simply isn't interested in them anymore. It's like the night before her 13th birthday she went to sleep and the transformation began; she woke up the next morning with the attitude "I am a teenager hear me roar".  Boy does she every roar; she roars about everything from her little sister, to the clothes I buy her, phone time, you name it she's probably not satisfied with it. So I often feel like I am in a no win situation. My favorite retort to her is “God placed me here to be your mother not your best friend; I will leave that job for your 14 year old friends." (Thanks mom for that line)  I find myself often picking which battles are more important to fight. I gave up on the eyeliner and lip gloss battle; I believe the no sex battle is far more important. Who knew so many teenagers were having sex and all types of sex.  I remember when my biggest concern was what color barrettes to place on my daughter's pigtails; now it's should I place my 14 year old daughter on birth control or should I trust her to do the right thing?  I had to wipe my brow as I typed that sentence. So not ready for my little girl to have sex and the thought of me possibly becoming a grandmother before she finishes college and gets married scares the heck out of me.  Someone should have told me that parenting a teenager was so much different than parenting a 12 year old. 


I often wonder did I give my mother this much trouble; am I reaping what I sowed in my teenage years? I'm almost positive that my mother is looking down from Heaven laughing at my current teenage situation.  I remember her telling me on numerous occasions "just wait to you have a teenager and you will understand where I am coming from." Well I completely understand many years later, but I wish I would have understood then because I wouldn't have been so hard on my mother. I would have given her more hugs, more kisses, more I love you, more thank you, and most of all more happy teenage memories.  Hindsight is always 20/20.  So as I wrap up this blog on the alien that infected my precious, loveable daughter, I am reminded that it could be possible that when we wake in the a.m. that my wonderful darling daughter might just be back even if for a short period.  I know wishful thinking.